25 Best Cat Jokes

We collected the funniest cat jokes around so you all can enjoy and laugh with your feline friend. #12 is great.

 

1. There was a man who couldn’t stand his wife’s cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.

He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.

The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. ‘This is impossible,’ said the man to himself. ‘tomorrow I’ll make sure he can’t come back!’

The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn – right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.

A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It’s the husband, and he asks: “Is the cat there?” “Why, yes.” says the wife, “he’s been here quite a while, where are you?”

“Put that bastard on the phone, I’m lost and I need directions.”

2. What is the difference between a man and a cat?

One eats a lot, is lazy and doesn’t care who brings the food. The other is a pet.

3. Q: What do you call a pile of kittens? A: a meowntain

4. Q: Why don’t cats like online shopping? A: They prefer a cat-alog

5. Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? A: Hailing taxis

6. I had to get rid of my husband. He was allergic to my cat.

7. Q: What’s the worst kind of cat? A: A cat-astrophe

8. Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

9. For a man to truly understand rejection… he must first be ignored by a cat.

10. A woman gets a hysterical phone call, “Your cat ate my canary!!!”

Woman, “Thank you for telling me. I don’t have to feed her today then, right?”

11. “Our cat was stupid enough to drink some petrol yesterday. She spent two hours racing through the flat, then just flopped on her back and was totally still. “

“Oh no, is she dead?”

“No, just ran out of gas”

12. It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman’s good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: “Don’t be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up.”

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. “Wait!” she said. “Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!” So, the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: “First”, she said, “I want to be very, very wealthy.” Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes.

There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: “Next”, she said, “I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18.” Poof! The old woman disappeared.

In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. “Third”, she said to the fairy, “I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!” Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince.

He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: “Hah! Now you’re really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!”

13. The difference between a man and a cat is that when a cat comes in at midnight it doesn’t wake you up by smashing into the furniture. But it expects you to get up and feed it anyway.

14. A little boy was with his dad looking at a litter of kittens. Upon returning home, the little boy could not wait to tell his mother that there were 2 girl kittens and 2 boy kittens.

“How do you know?” asked his mother.

The boy replied, “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

15. A well-known art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

The collector does a double take. He sees that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you 20 dollars for that cat.”

“Sold!” says the store owner and he hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat seems to be used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

The owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

16. A cat walks on a roof meowing. At that another cat approaches him answering: – Wow, wow! Then the first cat says: – Hey, why are you barking if you’re a cat? And the other answers: – What happens, one cannot learn foreign languages?

17. “Hello, police?”

“Yes, what do you need?”

“Please, come quickly, she wants to kill me.”

“Who wants to kill you?”

“A cat, please, come quickly.”

“But how is a cat going to kill you?”

“It’s true, she is going to kill me.”

“Fine, we’ll send a patrol, with whom do I speak?”

“With the parrot, help!!!”

18. 911 gets a call.

“Please come quickly, the dog wants to kill me.”

“We are sending someone right away. Who is talking please?”

“The cat.”

19. Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? A: The purrpatrator.

20. Q: What do you call at cat that goes bowling? A: An alley cat

21. I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him. – Reid Faylor

22. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

23. One of my neighbors owns several cats. On a recent visit, she introduced them to me:

“That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue.”

“Where on earth did you get such unusual names?” I asked.

“Oh, those are their last names,” she explained. “Their first names are Cat.”

24. I gave my cat a bath the other day … he loved it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that ..–Steve Martin

25. “Calm down your cat! He was so vocal yesterday that my daughter had to cease her music lesson!”

“I am sorry, madam, but your daughter was the one who started it all.

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